this year

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what happened this year that caused my rift? i feel so detached from this long process, from the blood sweat and tears that fed this farming endeavor and eventually, led to a fracture of my pursuits in which my wanderlust and existential despair outwitted my roots in this soil. i don’t want to done. or lost in a cynical existence where i can’t relate to my enthused peers about the righteousness of our work. i still believe in the pleasures and in the ecstatic. i stand behind my original pursuit and will try my best to rally the goodness in my consciousness that recalls the fight i’ve weathered, the days i’ve worked and worked and worked….the products of that labor and the many many people fed and satisfied and enlivened. i can’t forget those accomplishments, the hours under my belt and the highs that outweigh the lows in which i can easily dwell. farming is hard and the frustrations are real and sit heavily, i gave up easily i think. i had higher expectations of myself than i was willing to work for. i wouldn’t let help in, and so my reality stayed stagnant and stale. i slipped inward and judged myself too had and lost sight of what this was about. to fuel my soul i spent more time away from the soil as shit got real, and the aesthetics and production took a toll. but my soul was alive, if only when i was behind the wheel, or any way i could express my freedom as an unattached human with the wind in her hair. i still swoon over memories of arugula growing soft in rows and onions growing upright along irrigation lines i thought i’d never be able to figure out and install. thank god for the photographic evidence of my years spent on this ground and of the fleeting beauty that this farm provided, all out of what? a vision and a stubborn determination and constant, daily work to turn my dreams into a seasonal wonderland. i was constantly frustrated, yes. i was endlessly disappointed in myself, but get over yourself i want to scream. i wish i wanted to be in the greenhouse right now, and wanted to act enthused about this or that as i continued into my next season, but i’ve given in the towel and need a long recess before beginning again. because this is the life for me, but there is much to be lived and my kicks lay out there in the open world, in my current state of unattachment i crave anywhere and everywhere, hermitted or surrounded i’ll struggle, in the mountains and coastlines and soils here there and everywhere. to where we’re all going every moment and striving for in every quest to do good, be good. to the rest of our lives, starting with this moment. do good be good, plant seeds sow wild oats live free and forget the rest. here we go.

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